what is it?

"As I look back over my life I am struck by post cards Ruined Snap shots faded posters Of a time, I can't recall.I am a guide to the Labyrinth Monarch of the protean towers on this cool stone patio above the iron mist sunk in its own waste breathing its own breath"....I guess i have all the makings of a saint. That's the trouble. What do they seek from me? what were they after? I had never asked anything of them; it is they who wish to hold me, they who press a claim on me—and the claim seemed to have the form of affection, but it was a form which i find hard to endure than any sort of hatred. Why do i despise this causeless affection, just as I despise unearned wealth. They professed to love me for some unknown reason and they ignored all the things for which I wish to be loved. Everytime I am left wondering what response they could hope to obtain from me in such manner—if my response is what they want. And it is, i think; else why these constant complaints, those unceasing accusations about my indifference? Why that chronic air of suspicion, as if they are waiting to be hurt? I have no desire to hurt anyone, but why do i always feel their defensive, reproachful expectation; they seemed wounded by anything I say, it is not a matter of my words or actions, it is almost . . . almost as if they are Wounded by the mere fact of my being. I guess I am imagining the insane, struggling to face the riddle with the strictest of my ruthless sense of justice. I can not condemn her without understanding; and I can not understand. Do i like the people in my so called life? No, i had always wanted to like them, which is not the same. I wanted to do it in the name of some unstated potentiality which I had once expected to see in any human being. I feel nothing for them now, nothing but the merciless zero of indifference, not even the regret of a loss. Do I need any person as part of my life anymore? Do I miss the feeling I had wanted to feel? No, I think…. Will I come out unscathed? Will I live to fight another day? No, I think, in my youth; may be, not any longer.....