Man.Am I?

why do get so harsh on myself? why cant i have a normal life? why cant i sleep with my concience subdued? I guess this life time is not enough for me. May be someday ....
Well I am in the windy city, Snow flakes are falling like wooly cotton flakes, white as fresh death. I swear they are very white. In this "richest nation on earth", people seem to be walking in somnabulism,alone, seeking solace in material belongings. I guess i have earned the qualification to comment on the state of this nation.
I watch people hurrying home to the the security of some known smiles and warm friendly hugs. why not go back to my beloved motherland.I kept on saying this but I didn't know how far it was true, 'Every existing thing is born without reason, prolongs itself out of weakness, and dies by chance'
May be someday this questioning, constant scrutiny will also die - wither off. I sincerely hope so. I miss my country and i realise this is the dumbest race of humans you can come across. Think of a democracy where the last protest was held during Vietnam and people are afraid what the govt might do.

Out here,Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Men who go out on ships
To escape sin & the mire of cities
watch the placenta of evening starsfrom the deck,
on their backs& cross the equator& perform rituals to exhume the dead
dangerous initiation
To mark passage to new levels
To feel on the verge of an exorcism,a rite of passageTo wait,
or seek manhood
enlightenment in a gun
Salvation in wielding power
To kill childhood,
innocencein an instant

wake up

It is funny that i am writing using these two words as the heading. Now a lot of people can argue that they are awake and very much aware and they dont need someone like me to tell them. However wake up we must, to the dangers of flawed development, education that is not able to provide living, communists, the greedy parliamentarians.democracy is in peril and we are in danger of becoming a banana republic.
I am horrified to read the reports that that we have naxalites in 150 disticts of the country. How did this happen? they were only present in 43 districts a decade back. The brazenness, lack of knowledge, education and arrogance of politicians or the flawed development. Watching news has become a heart wrenching episode - landless marching to the capital to demand their rights on the land, Governemt does not even have the time to speak to them. 100's of thousands marched, hungry and tired.
yesterday the ' Adivasis' are beaten on the streets of Guwahati,police is watching. I am ashamed to be called an Indian.What was the freedom for? did the freedom happen for these guys. They should have the first right on the land ( forest) their forefathers have lived for centuries.
I have a question? Can we sleep easy after watching all this? Why patriotism has become the baby of the lower class? Why none of these politicians send their kids to army anymore? why we become patriotic in times of war only? Is helping shape the future of fellow indians not our duty? Till when we continue to wait for a leader instead of these demi gods? Till when we wait for the government to do everything?
Are we questioning enough? Are we filing enough applications through RTI? Are we doing enough?
Service chiefs are scanned on the airports and these louts( MP and ministers) are exempted! Service chiefs are good enough to save the country but not good to be trusted that they wont carry bombs on flights on the other hand our ministers are allowed freedom to carry their illgotten wealthe on flights without check.There is a genocide in Nandigram and perpetuated by the so called left intellectuals.policeis ordered to standon the periphery and watch scores of Communist bastards roaming with their guns and sticks and raping woman.wake up and do your bit.
We are tax payers and we have every right to find whatis happening to the surcharge i pay on petrol,for education , for roads.
Are you awake? if not, then Wake up !!!

I am overfed

The city basked in lights,
all decked up, unsure ,fumbling,secretly excited new bride,
cynosure of all eyes,touched, cleaned and rinsed.
The crockery looks new - polished.
Looks like family outing, Picnic for the nation.
" Can you buy me a bread? my kids are hungry."Who disturbs this nation's dream walk into the echeleons of a bright future?
I follow the frail hands to the owner, Sunken cheeks, long proud nose, Kid wraped around his waist, flowing nose.
Who si this urchin? perhaps a villager displaced by an eveil landlord, drought, famine ... ummmm may be flood. I dont know any other reason.
I shrugged and gave him five ruppees. Kid looks at my plate,perplexed at what I eat?
The man returns the money and again asks for bread," cant buy anything in this money!"
Who is this soul? The nation has moved beyond him. The umblical cord is cut, the nation recognises him no more.
Now i see, he si the abondened child of development.
Bright beautiful lights, all decked up,unsure ,fumbling,secretly excited new bride,
cynosure of all eyes,touched, cleaned and rinsed.
The crockery looks new - polished.
" I am tired of overeating " need to loose weight.
The nation has moved ahead.

Random moorings

Granted that we want thetruth: WHY NOT rather untruth? And uncertainty? Even ignorance?The problem of the value of truth presented itself before us--or was it we who presented ourselves before the problem? Which of us is the Oedipus here? Which the Sphinx? It would seem to be a rendezvous of questions and notes of interrogation.

"HOW COULD anything originate out of its opposite? Forexample, truth out of error? or the Will to Truth out of the willto deception? or the generous deed out of selfishness? or thepure sun-bright vision of the wise man out of covetousness.things of the highest value must have a different origin, an origin of THEIR own--in this transitory, seductive,illusory, paltry world, in this turmoil of delusion and cupidity,they cannot have their source. But rather in the lap of Being, inthe intransitory, in the concealed God, in the 'Thing-in-itself--THERE must be their source, and nowhere else!"--

If i take this logic a little forward make a more understandable statement , Can love be born out of hatred? Off late i am reading alot of Philosophy and as usual, I land up analysing the philossphers themselves. What do they seek? Truth ? Suppose for a moment truth is a woman,everyone, I mean every single living soul has been describing her as per their own encounters with her, yet they continue to claim none of the man understand them. It is indeed strange so many years of Vedanta philosophy( 10K years at the very least) we still struggle to see it and understand her. So i presume that at best the philossophies are opinions - every finite point point needs an infinite reference point so we have philosophy.

"The falseness of an opinion is not for us any objection to it:it is here." The question is, how far an opinion is life-furthering, life-preserving, species-preserving, perhaps species-rearing, and weare fundamentally inclined to maintain that the falsest opinions, are the most indispensable to us, that without a recognition of logical fictions, without a comparison of reality with the purelyIMAGINED world of the absolute and immutable, without a constant counterfeiting of the world by means of numbers, man could notlive--that the renunciation of false opinions would be arenunciation of life, a negation of life.

Do you understand what i mean? did you get a hang of what comes next? me too niether. Life is to live only i guess. More i miss someone's presence, more philosophical i get. When i embark on my journey of truth/ understanding Woman in all ways possible, I need to arm myself with possibilities as the Crapy Samsung AD, 'Imagine'. Let a thousand flowers bloom in the lonely deserts of my heart,let the alone ness that lives there get some company and she also gets busy.

Life. Let me learn deciept, let me be an dishonourable man,let me learn to be unhappy in my state. May be happiness may knock my soul.

Relationships !!!!

let us Solve the Paradoxof Relationship.First of all let us Understand that Life is Not aboutQuestions and answers,it is about Living and dying.I repeat no questions and no answers.Second thing is about relationships.Not in all relationship you seek a soumate.You can find a mirror of yourself in any relationship-Brother,Mother,sister and we shd have that sensitivity to pickup the siganls.There is a basic purpose of our lives,Why and for what we are born?One has to question the Obvious.For example,Why do i feel aparticular way?why am i not able to forget someone?why i refuse to live orDie with someone or without someone?Relationships mean different things todifferent people.for me they are a life and death bondings and also how yousee them.However there is another question to it,Why do you actually lookin other people's eyes for reflection?When the music,i mean the relationship i had was over, there was a stillness, a serenity, a connection with life and a confirmation ofexistence. In showing me Hell, she took me to Heaven. In evoking death, she made me feel alive. By confronting me with horror, I was freed to celebratewith them joy. By confirming my sense of hopelessness and sorrow She hasled me to freedom. Or at least she tried.This is the way i feel aboutrelationship i had and for me it will always be alive.Aristotle once said"Mystery festivals should be unforgettable events,casting their shadows over the whole of one's future life, creatingexperiences that transform existence," This is what i look for it shouldtransform Existance,any relationship.Plutarch attempted to describe theprocess of dying in terms of a similar initiation: "Wandering astray, down frightening paths in darkness that lead nowhere; then immediately before the end of all terrible things, panic and amazement." There are magical sounds and dances and sacred words passed, and then "the initiate, set freeand loose from all bondage, walks about, celebrating the festival withother sacred and pure people and he looks down on the uninitiated..."I normally do not quote others as i have never cared for what others werewriting or thinking,Something has changed after i lost someone and i have become more emphathetic and sensitive to others feelings and words.I willquote my Favourite philospher, Friedrich Nietzsche, I took solace andencouragement in the admonition to "say yes to life." I never believed thatI was on a death trip as so many of my friends claim or have claimed, andto this day still find it difficult to judge the way I chose to live and die. I always chose intensity over longevity, to be, as Nietzsche said,"one who does not negate," who does not say no, who dares to createhimself.I was braced to read the following Nietzsche quote: "Saying yes to lifeeven in its strangest and hardest problems; the will to life rejoicing over its own inexhaustibility even in the very sacrifice of its highesttypes-this is what I call Dionysian, that is what I understood as thebridge to the psychology of the tragic poet. Not in order to get rid of terror and pity, not in order to purge oneself of a dangerous effect by itsvehement discharge, but in order to be oneself the eternal joy of becoming,beyond all terror and pity. "It is my insatiable thirst for life that will kill me, not any love ofdeath. Aren't relationships all about that,aceptence of the way you are andflow with the moments,not Judge and for your own sake stop judging orlooking for answers or Questons.I tried asking because i could notunderstand and got more entangled.Like my nature "Either i want evrythingor die trying" Nothing halfways.Dare say yes to everything in lifepain,joy,aloneness along with total acceptability...

Why?

why do i have this uneasy feeling nowdays, as if something is going to happen.Or is it me who is waiting for them to happen or want them to happen to keep me occupied, on the edge. people like me thrive on the idea of being a rogue, the is the opium for life force. I am getting more and more people who tell me the tone of your voice is like patronising everytime - my friend kalyan says that.
I understand that point he makes however it baffles me to the core why do i evoke extreme reactions in people? Why some people love me adn some hate me to their sorry heart's content?
Why have i become a benchmark for everyone to measure themsleves? Anyway as long as someone loves or another hates me, I will be ok. I will sleep well. I am sure no one can ignore me - may be i will kill the guy who tries and do that.
Why do feel this indifference towards mediocracy? The world is being run by majority and the majority is ....... . Now the big secret is how do you kill the ' heroism' in man? Simple, make the standards of achievement so low that any tom, dick or harry can achieve it. I always see man as proud , clean and wise . i see them as heroic beings. But society does not need a living hero, they need a martyr. Hero is always alone and he is danger to the society as it can't tolerate individuals. It can't tolerate happy man, that's why there are provisions/laws to make you unhappy and be there. that's why they teach you to feel guilty if you are more intelligent than others," You should not say it, It offends others ". I have a question, what is wrong in speaking the truth. I am good, it means ," I AM GOOD "

Days of days

Let me say at the onset that I have been getting more and more lazy nowdays, that is evident in me not writing too much and also i feel mentally exhausted after the roller coaster ride of Life.What motivates men? what makes a man raise his hand and shrugg his shoulders? Getting ready for a sure shot failure.I guess here comes the role of Honour and doing something larger than life. let me confess, I have always been driven by this word - Honour and immortality.Immortality in its truest sense confuses me, it is not possible make mark for all times as I would not exist in future and nor will the meaning. I am obsessed with it but similarly i am also obsessed with the absence of god. God is absence. God is the solitude of man and if you are lonely when you are alone, It means you are in bad company.One is still what one is going to cease to be and already what one is going to become. One lives one's death, one dies one's life. Too much confusion!!! too many ideas jumbled up,how does one get clarity, see the truth. Truth has to be like the hot noon sun - evident, on your head and harsh.As sartre said,"One cannot become a saint when one works sixteen hours a day"More over my truth is only mine,It is relvant only for me. Time and space qurdant. This is not ' The truth'.One parting shot - If you even dream of beating me you'd better wake up and apologize!!!

What does it mean to trust ?

What does it mean to be alive?Does it mean to be able to breathe the beautiful morning?
What does it mean to be able to wrap your arms around the wide sky?I guess it means to able to help one more soul,without getting worried about the hurt and betrayal.
A lot of times i have stated that the primary job of a poet is to burn, blow and break in order create golden generation through golden copulations -between Soulful, Intense and the one's who have chaos in their souls.
I am left wondering everytime why do i continue to have affection for certain people inspite of them not measuring up to my beliefs. I guess the time has come for me to satrt looking at things from a long term perspective. relationships require a lot of warmth, care and ability to put the 'other' above anything else including oneself. In love, Only 'You exists', ' I ' has to die. may be i am too idealistic to say with a firm belief that " Trust is something that makes the world a better place ".

Inspite the betrayals and setbacks, I firmly believe that we live in a civilised world and we have to trust fellow humans. In the end i am reminded of what Gandhiji said - trust is something that will make the world a better place.

" He Lives well who lives lightly,
hoards nothing,
Let go the air he breathes - to draw in more"

In the end we are all bound by our own beliefs and as some wise man said ," Those who live by sword, die by it ", In a similar context can i say that the ones who breaks the trust of fellow humans bear the taste of it. Anyway at the end of life you know what you have done , I for sure will die with a clear concience - Peaceful man.

understand it, there is no choice :-)

If suppressed, you never experience the thing in its totality, you never gain anything out of it. Wisdom comes through suffering and wisdom comes through acceptance. Whatsoever the case, be at ease with it.Don’t look to society and its condemnation. Nobody is to judge you here and nobody can pretend to be a judge. Don’t judge others and don’t be perturbed and disturbed by others’ judgment. You are alone and you are unique. You never were before, you never will be again. You are beautiful. Accept it. And whatsoever happens, allow it to happen and pass through it. Soon, suffering will be a learning; then it has become creative.Fear will give you fearlessness. Out of anger will come compassion. Out of the understanding of hate, love will be born to you. But this happens not in a conflict, but in a passing-through with alert awareness. Accept, and pass through it. And if you make it a point to pass through every experience, then there will be death, the most intense experience. Life is nothing before it because life cannot be so intense as death.Life is spread out over a long time – seventy years, one hundred years. Death is intense because it is not spread out – it is in a single moment. Life has to pass one hundred years or seventy years, it cannot be so intense. Death comes in a single moment; it comes whole, not fragmentary. It will be so intense you cannot know anything more intense. But if you are afraid, if before death comes you have escaped, you have be-come unconscious because of the fear, you have missed one of the golden opportunities, the golden gate. If your whole life you have been accepting things, when death comes, patiently, passively you will accept and enter into it without any effort to escape. If you can enter death passively, silently, without any effort, death disappears.Suffering is there but just around you; it is not in the center, it is on the periphery. It is impossible for suffering to be in the center; it is not in the nature of things. It is always on the periphery and you are the center.we lot of times allow ourselves to be enamoured by suffering , grief as we allow it to become the core, It is not the core, YOU ARE. You are unique, bautiful and as someone posted on her wall " ...like everyone else".

lend me a song

Lend me just one more song
My beloved lord

The fire of my heart seems to be extinguishing
Lend me just one more spark
My beloved lord

Me, the one of tender age
Is saddled with all the ripe pain
Words too seem to have deserted me
Don’t know what to do with this wisdom of sage

Lend me some more of your virgin pain
My beloved lord

Lend me a song that resembles my youth
The one that I lost
It shd resemble the red of the rising sun
That fills the lake with Blood
It shd resemble the brightness of first star of eve
Shining in my water filled saucer

Oh I guess eve of my life inches too
Lend me a star or two
My beloved lord

Life, mine too is like the red
The one that you make
Enamor the lake
Lord, cant live thru the day without the beloved
And how to love her without a song
I guess, I still need to learn that art
Ooh every one hears the laughter
While I sew the blood dripping wounds of my heart

All the streams are beloved of the dear
Even if they hide the ones who put a spear
The nector from my eyes,
Flows untouched, ignored drowning the muted cries

Lent me, the love that cuts like sword
Oh my beloved lord!

what is it?

"As I look back over my life I am struck by post cards Ruined Snap shots faded posters Of a time, I can't recall.I am a guide to the Labyrinth Monarch of the protean towers on this cool stone patio above the iron mist sunk in its own waste breathing its own breath"....I guess i have all the makings of a saint. That's the trouble. What do they seek from me? what were they after? I had never asked anything of them; it is they who wish to hold me, they who press a claim on me—and the claim seemed to have the form of affection, but it was a form which i find hard to endure than any sort of hatred. Why do i despise this causeless affection, just as I despise unearned wealth. They professed to love me for some unknown reason and they ignored all the things for which I wish to be loved. Everytime I am left wondering what response they could hope to obtain from me in such manner—if my response is what they want. And it is, i think; else why these constant complaints, those unceasing accusations about my indifference? Why that chronic air of suspicion, as if they are waiting to be hurt? I have no desire to hurt anyone, but why do i always feel their defensive, reproachful expectation; they seemed wounded by anything I say, it is not a matter of my words or actions, it is almost . . . almost as if they are Wounded by the mere fact of my being. I guess I am imagining the insane, struggling to face the riddle with the strictest of my ruthless sense of justice. I can not condemn her without understanding; and I can not understand. Do i like the people in my so called life? No, i had always wanted to like them, which is not the same. I wanted to do it in the name of some unstated potentiality which I had once expected to see in any human being. I feel nothing for them now, nothing but the merciless zero of indifference, not even the regret of a loss. Do I need any person as part of my life anymore? Do I miss the feeling I had wanted to feel? No, I think…. Will I come out unscathed? Will I live to fight another day? No, I think, in my youth; may be, not any longer.....